Pain
by gypsyrin
Summary: Zell had died during a mission that he had gone on alone. Squall blames himself and soon starts to drink to forget everything, his friends notice though it takes Rinoa and a visit from a certain someone to pull Squall out of his pain. slight Squinoa


**Disclaimer - I do not own FFVIII or the charries. sooo yeah. OH and I don't own three days grace or their lyrics.**

* * *

**_Your bottles almost empty_**

**_You know this can't go on,_**

**_because of you my mind is always racing_**

His head throbbed with such pain that he had to squeeze his eyes shut, his blurred mind tried desperately to will it all away. The world around him already tilted and spun almost like he was on some sick ride at a fair, with this conclusion the young man with the chestnut hair scrambled off the floor of his already messy dorm room and bolted for the equally as messy bathroom. Upon releasing all the contents of his stomach he managed to pull himself up into a slouched standing position where he brought his eyes up to look at his reflection.

Each and every time he did so caused the commanders heart to sink and a string of profanities usually followed. Not today though.

"Leonhart. What the hell are you doing?" he asked his own reflection. Upon not receiving an answer he merely grunted and sluggishly made his way to his bed, where he dropped down onto his stomach and promptly passed out. A twitch he happened to make in his sleep knocked over an already empty bottle of the strongest vodka that the small town of Balamb had to offer.

**_I walk alone_**

**_Think of homememories of long ago_**

**_no one knows _**

**_I lost  
my soul long ago_**

_Beads of sweat began to form on the young mans face as he quickly hid around the corner of a massive stone building. He knew where he was and he knew why he was hiding. Zell would be taring around the corner any minute now and with any luck Squall wouldn't be caught. Holding his breath in an attempt to be less heard the child slowly closed his stormy eyes and willed himself invisible just as a soft breeze picked up to tousle his chestnut locks. Soon enough he heard the pounding footsteps of his best friend and within seconds a blond head appeared followed quickly by shoulders and the rest of the small childs body. There was no tattoo on his face and his muscles hadn't developed. He was that scrawny child that rest of the group had grown up with. Seeing him Squalls eyes had opened in shock and he was suddenly in control of his own body. "Zell?" his voice was young and innocent, it had yet to say a single profanity or even a single threat. The small blond turned to face him and gave him a very toothy smile._

_"Squall. What are you doin' man?" the way he spoke and the way he crossed his calves as he stood with his arms behind his head caused the young man to feel such a wave of sadness that he broke down and began to cry. "Why'd you have to leave?" he wailed in his child like voice. All he felt was a hand on his shoulder and suddenly everything went white._

Sunlight began to poor over Squalls face which rudely snapped the young commander into a dazed consciousness. He grunted and grumbled his hand reached out and he managed to grab a pillow that he shoved over his face where he just barely opened his eyes.

"Again Squall?" the voice was soft. He couldn't quite place a face to whomever it was and so he just opted for some more unintelligible grunts.

Who ever it was that had awoken him sighed and he could barely make out a "Look at this place" which was soon followed by a deeper grunt. Squall frowned as he suddenly realized who was in his dorm room.

"Quistis, Seifer. Please get out." his voice was muffled by the pillow in which he held the light out.

Silence met his request but he soon heard footsteps retreat towards his door where they stopped just before the two people entered the hall. "Rinoas here. She wants to see you." Quistis whispered the last part as her eyes gazed around the room. Overwhelming sadness began to creep over her and so as soon as the commander had grunted and waved them out she closed the door and nearly ran to her room with Seifer trailing close behind.

**_It brings me down but I'm the one to blame_**

**_Ive tried everything to get away_**

**_so here I go again_**

**_chasing you down again_**

**_Why do I do this?_**

The commander made no move in getting up until the words finally set in. Rinoa was here and she wanted to see him. Which meant that she would most likely be on her way down to his dorm room this very second. Panic tore through his body at the thought of this walking angel seeing what a disaster his room and his life had become, so quickly the slightly hung over young man jumped off his bed and began to throw clothes in the hamper by his closet. Soon the clothes were done and his gaze tore around the room just as he heard a soft knock on his door.

"Squall?" her voice was exactly as he remembered it and he felt his heart give a soft tug.

_'What are you doin' man? Tell her'_ Zells voice suddenly filled his ears and he had to look around just to make sure he was alone.

Finally he made his way over to the door, though before he opened it he took a quick look in the body length mirror on the back of it. His hair was unruly, as were his clothes. The white t-shirt he wore was rumpled up and creased so bad it looked like Squall had worn it for days, which in retrospect he probably had. His jeans weren't so bad though and he thanked hyne that his favorite color was black, it hid almost anything and everything. Quickly he fixed his shirt and ran his hands through his hair when Rinoa knocked a second time, before she could pull her hand away Squall wrenched the door open and actually smiled down at her. "Impatient are we?" he could feel his smile wavering as he caught the look in her eyes. They had told her. Traitors! His mind grumbled as he stepped aside so she could step into the room.

"Squall... How are you?" she was worried, he could tell just by the way she said his name along with the way she held herself. Her arms were crossed over her stomach and she was standing so rigid Squall felt like if he pushed her she would fall to the ground like a 2x4. He pulled her in gently and closed the door, using the short distraction to decide whether or not he would finally admit how he was actually feeling. She frowned up at him as he thought then suddently took a step forward and wrapped her arms around his waist when he turned towards her, Rinoa sighed and rest her head on his chest and said nothing more.

He hadn't the slightest idea what to do or even what she wanted him to do, so after a slight hesitation he placed his arms around her and rest his head on top of hers. The silence seemed to comfort Squall and he felt almost as if here at peace. There was no pain in his heart, nor a need to suddenly get inebriated to the point where he litteraly forgot his own name. After a few minutes Rinoa pulled back to look up into his face, her face held such sadness that it caused Squall to mentally kick himself.

"Squall...Please stop beating yourself up. Zell wouldn't want it." her voice was strong, and if Squall hadn't known the young woman fro as long as he had then he wouldn't have noticed the underlying emotions. At the mention of his dead friends name the commanders face was suddenly void of all emotion and he stepped around her so he could stare out the window, his arms crossed over his chest in an attempt to keep her out.

_'Squall! Man! Knock it off and listen to her!'_ that voice. Zells voice caused Squall to visibly flinch. How could he? It was his fault that the martial artist had died. It had been he who sent Zell on that mission alone. Though granted they both figured it would be simple and easy, get in get out.

**_dont know whats goin on_**

**_don't know where I went wrong_**

**_feels like 100 years_**

**_still can't believe your gone_**

**_so I'll stay up all night_**

**_with these bloodshot eyes_**

**_while all these walls surround me_**

**_with the story of our life._**

_'Its not your fault. We both thought I'd be okay. You're not psychic man you couldn't have known they would be that prepared.'_ his voice was soft this time and Squall felt tears sting his eyes. With the hope that Rinoa wouldn't notice the young man quickly wiped at his eyes, he was a fool for thinking that she wouldn't. Her small delicate hand was on his arm, he was very aware how she was looking at him with her big chocolate brown eyes full of worry. He wished so badly that he could take her pain away, to tell her that he was okay and she needn't worry about him.

"I hurt Rin. I should have known they would be prepared and sent someone else with him." he finally admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. Rinoa merely smiled though it didn't reach her usually sparkling eyes.

"I know you hurt. But Squall its not your fault! I'm sure if Zell were here he'd tell you the same thing. So please..." her voice took a turn and she was suddenly pleading with the broken man in front of her "-please, forgive yourself. No one blames you." she whispers. Her small hand reaches up where she rests it on his cheek and gently forces him to turn his head, her lips meet his as she softly kisses him.

**_Somebody get me through this nightmare_**

**_I can't control myself_**

**_so what if you can see the dark inside of me_**

**_no one will ever change this animal I have become_**

**_help me believe its not the real me_**

**_somebody help me tame this animal I have become_**

"These cadets need their commander. Your friends need you. Hyne Squall I need you" tears trickle down her soft pink cheeks, Squall gently kissed her forehead and finally turned his body to face her, his arms fold around her in attempt to comfort her.

_'Let her help you. It's killin' me to see you like this man, you're stronger than those bottles of Vodka will ever make you.'_ This time Squall looked up and to his mild surprise saw the very image of Zell standing by the bathroom door, his calves crossed as his hands rested behind his head in complete Zell Dincht fashion. Knowing full well his friend could see him the martial artist gave him a toothy smile, taking a deep breath he stepped toward the two and Squall was fully aware that Rinoa had shivered has Zell placed his hand on her back.

_'You take good care of him Rin.'_ he whispered

Her brown eyes flashed open as fresh tears spilled down her cheeks "I will." she whispered. Squall wasn't sure if she could see or actually hear the other man though he made a note to ask her later.

_'and you'_ his blue eyes landed on Squalls face _'its good to see you finally show some emotion, don't wall yourself up, and don't forget that it was not your fault. I never blamed you, not once.'_

Upon hearing this Squall took a deep shaky breath and realized he had been crying the whole time. All he could do was nod his head hope that Zell understood what he meant. He would forgive himself at least he would try to, and though it would be hard he knew his friends would all be there for him. Even Zell.

"I'll try." he whispered which seemed to be what Zell had wanted to hear as he flashed another toothy smile, his image began to shimmer and fade though he seemed to leave behind a feeling of peace. Both Rinoa and Squall immediately stopped their tears, and without actually thinking Squall turned towards his bed. His arm still draped over Rinoa's shoulder he pulled her onto the bed with him where they layed for hours, neither of them spoke and neither of them slept.

**_Now why can't we try_**

**_to just stay alive_**

**_maybe we'll turn it around_**

**_cause its not too late _**

**_its never too late_**

**_

* * *

_**

**_A/N - Sooo I had been listening to Three Days Grace, and just before that I had read a fanfic about Zell dying sooo I decided to make my own. This is set roughly a year and half after the game. I hope you guys enjoyed it!_**

**_

* * *

_**


End file.
